Paragraphing is "a way of making visible to the reader the stages in the writer's thinking" (J. Ostrom, 1978). Although conventions about the length of paragraphs vary from one form of writing to another, most style guides recommend adapting paragraph length to your medium , subject, and audience .
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Rhetorical Fallacies : This handout is undergoing renovation and will be back soon. We appreciate your patience. In the meantime, the above link will take you to Ali Almossawi’s Illustrated Book of Bad Arguments , which provides helpful information about rhetorical fallacies.
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Your main ideas are not off topic at all. You’ve organised your ideas and paragraphs very well. But some of your supporting points might less focused. For example, in your first body paragraph you are absolutely right to write about children becoming self absorbed which could continue into their adult life. This is relevant because the essay question is about a society of individuals. But your point about parents not being able to control them is not on topic – this is not about parental control, it’s about selfishness. Even with minor points lacking a bit of focus, it is still possible to hit band 7 in Task Response.